strucking fessed
Monday, January 14, 2008
Life has been an utter piece of crap these few days. Have been emo, angsty, sad, happy and so on and the whirlwind of emotions has really been exhausting. KI is somewhat settled, with minor tweaks here and there left to do but TSD...has been hellish. Had the first consultation today and got ripped apart. Gotta admit that it was deserved though. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to do a DS instead of taking the safer route of costume/makeup. But then again the grass is always greener on the other side.
However, no matter how much of a bitch I/S and Crit Comm is, the practicals these days have been amazing. Pretty exhausted from all the crying and screaming when things got too intense though but it was honestly cathartic, and considering my family situation now, it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. The anger that was pent up in me made me scream in a really high pitch (the last time I remember reaching that note was when a lizard ran over my hand years ago cause I normally can't scream) and I'm glad for it, though it made my throat unbelievably raw. Somehow, I think working physically, getting the emotions through the body (in other words, the outside-in approach) works for me. I get into that crouched position, hug my knees, think about well, stuff, and tears will come. Hmmm. Could be the practice for Night, Mother that helped as well. Anyways, seriously, I do love 07A06 and I hope we can continue losing all our silly inhibitions around each other to bond as a performing ensemble.
Sidenote: Across the Universe was amazing. I don't care about the reviews.
IRONY. Last year, in PAE, I deliberated and agonized over the decision to quit the choir. Then I joined back 5 days later. This year, while the J1s are having their PAE, I find myself now in the exact same position. But things are also different. The naivety, the inane joy, the freedom I didn't realise I had when I was J1--those are gone now. Extinguished. Poof. Now, it is the plain, hard and cold facts that I see before me. Everything clashing. May, June and July. It's sad but strategic choices have to be made even if it breaks my heart. When we live in a ruthlessly efficient society like this, logic has to outweigh passion. I was afraid the people I told would get together and lynch me. Thankfully they seemed* quite understanding. Two last hurdles to pass and the shit will hit the fan by Friday.
i love the music. i love the singing. i love the choir. but sacrifices have to be made i suppose? utilitarianism. the greater good. for my group. for myself. don't we just love it? *snorts*
-----------------------------------------------------------
aureliaz out
@ |11:09 PM|
promos
Saturday, October 13, 2007
The promos are over.
It almost feels strange typing it..I'm finding that the proverbial calm before the storm is right now surprisingly. One would expect it to be the period before the exams. But I find its the period before the results. Hmm. Maybe it's both.
Bah. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my addiction to the internet. Seriously.
Anyway, just a rundown of what happened:
KI- Meh. Screwed my paper 1 by not reading the questions properly and choosing the wrong one. Also didn't write the essay properly. Just dumped all the arguments for the existence of God with no proper topic sentences. A02 mark? FAIL, I TELL YOU. Took a risk with the way I answered paper 2. Luckily those who picked Pascal's Wager apart did alright, apparently.
TSD- Saw the paper and thought WTF. Wasn't the only one. Opened my mouth after the paper and all that came out was the sort of hysterical laughter you'd find after a mental breakdown. We were given THE MOE specimen paper. Which means there weren't any flaws in the paper and that the paper was set by people who have had YEARS of knowing how to torture students. Hopefully, practical will pull up the marks.
Econs- Surprisingly okay. Just praying for a pass so I don't have to drop KI.
Lit 1- Erm. So-so. Poem was nice but I didn't concentrate on the technics as much as I should have. Lack of rhyme scheme etc completely neglected. Grex...spent 10 minutes just deciding which essay to do.
Maths- WHAT A JOKE. I didn't study for it and didn't attend the lectures. Went there and only answered 2/3 of the paper cause I couldn't remember my formulas.
Lit 4- Another joke. Handmaid's Tale: relationship between the oppressor and the oppressed. Didn't know how to approach the question properly. Quite possibly the worse Lit essay I've written all year long.
------------------
Gah. I wanted to watch Lust, Caution yesterday with some classmates. But had to finish up the super overdue KI essay on religion by NOON. Couldn't finish it in time and ended up sending this 860 word piece of nonsense. Oh wells. At least it's over and done with.
Quite a few choir events coming up soon. Should be fun.
Please, please, please. Just let me promote, take KI next year and slog over KI I/S along with TSD I/S like a lunatic.
Speaking of TSD I/S...still pondering over what I'd be suitable for. Makeup? Yes, definitely. But it's bundled along with COSTUME. Considering that I can't draw or sew...maybe NOT. Acting? Meh. I doubt I can anyway. Not like I'm one of those who are passionate about it as well. Puppets? Maybe. Lights and Sound? Doubt it. I'll think about the rest after I am sure I'll get promoted.
-----------------------------------------------------------
aureliaz out
@ |12:39 PM|
past, present, future
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Put the past behind. Just focus on the present and future. I keep trying to tell myself that.
But how do I put the past behind when someone whom I respect accuses me of badmouthing her leadership and competence? The absolute confusion, coupled with a whole bunch of other factors, threw me off the loop and I actually cried on the phone for the first time. Pathetic, I know.
It's fucking scary honestly. Being in a choir. Being exposed to the verbal stilettos. There's a distinct sense of irony or a twisted sense of poetic justice in the fact that while we use our voices to create such beautiful music, simultaneously we use our voices to create so much emotional damage to other people. Being completely new to a choir and being completely unaware on how to play the politics within (well, frankly, I've never been good at politics. Class or otherwise) leaves me feeling terribly vulnerable. My position sticks me in the center of the maelstrom and I didn't have the bloody common sense to realize it until now. It leaves me feeling uncertain, not about my passion, but about my ability to survive in such treacherous waters.
There's a weight settling ominously in my belly. It tells me that the the next year and a half is either going to be the best of times or the worst of times. There won't be a middle ground. No, not this time.
-----------------------------------------------------------
aureliaz out
@ |10:39 PM|
Conflicted
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
This is way overdue. But being an OGL is no joke...I have no idea whether I want to be an OGL for next year's Orientation because the role is one that is chocked full of frustration and wrath. In the middle of the 2nd day I was walking around with a black thunderstorm on my face and giving everyone that "don't fuck with me right now or I swear to god I will crack your skull and suck your brain juice out" look. Some of the OGMs just could not be bothered and were completely wet blankets. Some were complete jackasses. One (not technically my OGM..just a VS moron/crasher) flipped me the bird for no reason. But some were pleasant enough and during the wet games on day 3 we had a lot of fun...albeit the pathetic attendance.
We Blackbeard OGLs danced to "Sexyback" and "Shy Guy" for our OGL performance and allied with the Barbossa and DJ OGLs to slam the Hookers..that, including the finale where everyone who was spontaneous and open-minded started moshing and conga-ing, was obscenely wicked~
Best part was when BLACKBEARD WON THE BEST FAMILY AWARD~ Uh-huh, yeah we the best.
I'm also damn happy about the fact that 2 of my classmates who had left for other JCs have successfully appealed back in! A03(or whatever our class is gonna be named) won't be drastically changed! Yay!
But all's not rainbows and sunshine and butterflies. I've been feeling damn conflicted about whether to stay in Choir or not. I'll start with the cons: 1) It is frigging time consuming. Think 3 times a week(or more) at 3-4 hours a session. 2)Taking KI and TSD together is already extremely demanding. If I throw Choir in with the mix, it'd be like courting death and it'd be kinder to jump off a building right now. 3) Everytime I stand next to the other Sops, I feel inferior and out of my league. 4) I think there are some people who dislike me already.
Okay pros: 1) Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I love singing. 2) Choir can actually be fun. 3) It strengthens my voice.
HELP. I repeat: HELP. I have no idea what to do.
-----------------------------------------------------------
aureliaz out
@ |4:33 PM|
Farewell
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Today was an emo day. I cried(shed tears) twice. Once just after assembly and later in TM outside Long John's. Transience is a bitch at times. People come into our lives and actually make a difference. Yet they flit out of our lives again in the blink of an eye. I'm going to miss all those leaving so badly.
I can't believe that TPJC isn't accepting 14 points after bonus. It was just a humongous shock--my poor 'lau po' was posted to Ngee Ann Poly instead.
Watched Dreamgirls (again) and ate Long John's as mentioned before for the first time. It wasn't too unpleasant or pleasant. But the fries were good.
To those who are leaving: I'll treasure all the whacky and precious memories we have created together and I'll always think of you guys with fondness. Some things are just not meant to be, y'know? The threads of fate are constantly tangled, snapped, snipped and overlapped. We'll meet again. Till then, all I can bring myself to say is 'Thank you'.
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:
Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good--Wicked
Indeed, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
-----------------------------------------------------------
aureliaz out
@ |11:12 PM|
Church
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Haven't updated in a while. Loads have happened- Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year et cetera. But I went for my first prayer meeting [Conan invited me to City Harvest] today and it was an eye opener. It was like a concert actually, what with the lights, the massive crowd [it filled a whole singapore expo hall] the effects and the stage...but I won't deny that it was very uplifting even though I found myself feeling a little bewildered at times. To be honest, I really envy the people that I saw today for being able to be so utterly consumed by a religion. To place such faith, to hold such love....it's nice y'know? But knowing myself, it'd be quite unlikely for that to ever happen to me. I'm not quite sure if I will go back for another session in the future but that possibility does exist.
After that, went to Cineleisure for some karaoke with Cai Xiang, Mel, Conan, Wai Wan and Wyntrice. Meh, it was aight. Not too satisfying because my voice wasn't in very good shape and I had to leave like 1 and a half hours earlier [when i later realised that it was utterly unneccessary]. But still, for that 3 hours that I was there, shouting screaming singing with my class/sch mates, it was fun.
Headed down to Cass's house to a) collect my book b) attend some CNY gathering thingamajiggy. Family was supposed to come but surprise surprise, it didn't happen. Anyway, good food and good company [yes cass, you] so I don't really have much to complain about.
-----------------------------------------------------------
aureliaz out
@ |11:00 PM|
Wicked!
Saturday, February 10, 2007
I'm not sad really. Disappointment is a rather different emotion. But thanks to all you guys who have been encouraging. Love you all.
Slacked around the whole day, mostly stayed in my bed watching videos. AHHHHH. I love Wicked so much! The songs, the lyrics, the STORY. It's so amazing how the details from the Wizard of Oz were manipulated into creating a story that can be so mesmerizing. I NEED TO GO TO BROADWAY OR L.A OR SOMETHING.
Maybe I'll just pray real hard that they make a world wide tour and that they come to Singapore.
Bwahahaha. Pigs will fly! Cows will jump over the bleeding moon! Oh well, no harm in dreaming.
-----------------------------------------------------------
aureliaz out
@ |9:41 PM|
